Assignment 1: Formal letter
Dear
Professor Blackstone,
I am writing to introduce myself to you as Muhammad Humaidi. Ever since I was in secondary school, I always have a passion for science, particularly physics. As a result, engineering was always the natural option for me, and I graduated from Temasek Polytechnic with a diploma in aerospace engineering.
After completing my
national service, I worked for a year as a lab technician in a soil
investigations lab, which is related to civil engineering. During my year
there, I managed to learn a lot and gain interest in my job, and I was
fortunate enough to be able to work overseas. As a result, I grew a strong
liking for civil engineering.
I feel this
subject could be a blessing in disguise for me. My weakness is that I have never been good in
communicating formally, especially towards strangers. I have always been an
introvert, and I would be somebody who prefers to get the job done, but avoid unnecessary
interaction. Therefore, I'm afraid of having a bad score for this subject.
However, I definitely do want to improve. Although it
may seem weird in finding this as a strength, I find it more comfortable talking to strangers in a informal
setting, because there is no pressure whatsoever. I usually like
to initiate talks to strangers in events like camps. Only when it matters, do I
then feel nervous and struggle. Hence, all i feel i need to do is to get used to speaking in formal settings, and hopefully it will get better from there.
What I hope
to achieve in this module is to be a better speaker, so that I will be able to
communicate my ideas to everyone effectively. I feel this is crucial and having just
knowledge can hinder me. Another goal I hope to achieve is to be able to
write well in a professional manner, like e-mails and reports.
Thank you
for your time, and I hope to be able to learn from your vast knowledge and
experience.
Yours sincerely,
Muhammad
Humaidi
CVE1281- T5
Editted on 24th Jan and 2nd Feb
Commented on Abdul's and Ardini's Blogs
CVE1281- T5
Editted on 24th Jan and 2nd Feb
Commented on Abdul's and Ardini's Blogs
Hello Humaidi. Firstly, I would like to compliment you for constructing such an amazing letter. I really liked how you use personal experiences as a form of supporting detail to introduce yourself, providing readers a great way to imagine what you are like.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I would like to share my insights on how this letter can improve from a readers perspective. Please take a moment to read and do correct me if I am wrong :)
Content:
Scope of assignment: I fail to find the point and illustration regarding your strength in communication.
Organization:
Overall looks fine to me as you used transition moderately and flow of idea is supported with examples. Nice job!
Language Use:
Verb Tenses:
- 1st paragraph, second sentence. "I had always had a passion". I would like to suggest "I always have a passion". (Provided that you still are interested in science)
Capitalisation:
- 1st paragraph, second sentence."passion for Science, particularly Physics.". In my opinion, I do not think that "Science" and "Physics" needs capitalisation.
- 2nd paragraph, first sentence. "particular interest in Civil Engineering is because", I doubt that "Civil Engineering" needs to be capitalised.
Thank you Zyn. I have editted my letter based on your comments.
DeleteDear Humaidi,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this fairly clear, concise letter. In it you seem to address the scope of the assignment. You also discuss the roots of your interest in engineering and you initiate an interesting discussion of your comm skills.
At the same time, I feel like that part of this reflection gets muddied because you're trying to show that for you being in engineering there's 'a blessing in disguise,' but it doesn't become clear what the two sides of that situation really are.
We understand that you see yourself as an introvert at times in other ties as an extrovert. You need to make that clearer and connect it more clearly to your strength and weakness in communication.
In terms of language use, this is quite fluent, but there are a few points to take note of:
1. overuse of caps has already been mentioned by Zyn.
2. Grammar
-- I feel this is crucial and having just knowledge can hinder myself. > (use of the reflexive pronoun 'myself': It should only be used when the subject and object refer to the same person or thing.)
I feel this is crucial and having knowledge alone can hinder me (OR: hinder my ability to interact with others).
I appreciate your effort, and look forward to reading more of your writing.
Cheers,
Brad
Thank you professor. I will take into account the errors that i have made, and try to improve on it.
DeleteYou're welcome. I appreciate the effort.
DeleteHello Humaidi,
ReplyDeleteJamie here.
After reading your letter, I felt that your interest in CVE is well written and interesting, however your strength, weakness and goals are slightly lacking in depth and elaboration. For your strength and weakness, you may want to give examples of situations of when you felt that your strength and weakness were most apparent respectively. For your goals, you may want to provide more information as to why you wish to improve on these aspects of communication and how you feel it will help you in your future endeavours.
Below are some of my thoughts and opinions:
- Consider revising self introduction/opening
This is assumed to be a formal letter to your lecturer. Therefore, there is insufficient information as to what class and course you are from, and which module is this regarding.
- Consider re-organising your educational background in relation to your interest in CVE
You can link your interest in engineering (in secondary school) to your original choice of study in aerospace engineering, followed by your experience from working as a lab technician, and use that to bridge to your interest in civil engineering. This will create a better timeline of events and add to the flow / "storytelling" effect of your letter.
- Consider removing potentially unnecessary phrases
"The reason why I have a particular interest in civil engineering..." may not be necessary and could be slightly disruptive. Readers are able to infer that you are talking about your how your previous experience resulted in your interest in CVE. Just a summarising statement (that you have already included, "As a result....") is sufficient.
Cont.
ReplyDelete- Consider revising usage of phrases
"Blessing in disguise" mean "something that seems bad or unlucky at first, but results in something good happening later" as defined in the Cambridge dictionary. This implies that you originally saw this communication module as a "bad or unlucky" occurrence. You may want to avoid making such implication in a letter addressed to the lecturer teaching you said module.
In the phrase "I would be somebody...", the usage of past tense "would" implies that this was something that you used to do but no longer do. If this information is still accurate in the present, you should use "I am..." instead. Alternatively, you could shorten the phrase to "I prefer to get the job done, but..." instead.
The phrase "Although it may seem weird in finding this as a strength..." is worded clumsily. By referencing your previous paragraph, which talks about your weakness in communicating with strangers, this phrase can be shortened to "Strangely enough, I am comfortable speaking to strangers in an informal setting." The phrase "Strangely enough" is "used to remark that something is surprising but true" as defined in the Cambridge dictionary. The reader is also able to infer that you are talking about your strength from the word "comfortable".
The phrase "there is no pressure of saying anything wrong" sounds like a combination of "there is no consequence in saying the wrong thing" and "there is no pressure to say the right thing". I do not believe that it is a good idea to combine these 2 phrases together. Maybe you can consider using only one of them instead.
Instead of using the phrase "Only when it matters" you may want to give an example of a scenario that "matters". Your definition of a situation that "matters" may differ from that of the reader's, therefore it would be better if you gave an example to help establish a context instead of assuming that the reader understands what you mean by "matters".
You may want to check your statements "I will be able to communicate ideas I to everyone" and "having just knowledge can hinder myself”.
In your signoff you may wish to include your student ID and course, as well as which module the lecturer is teaching you (similar to the information provided in the opening of your letter mentioned in my first point)
Good job on your letter and I hope to read more of your writing in the future.
Thank you Jamie. I really appreciate the amount of feedback you gave me. I will take them into account.
Delete